you can't teach an old dog new tricks

or an old mother-in-law either

several years ago my MIL got a computer. She needed the internet. After much frustration she was hooked up with AOL (which we view as the net with training wheels) and an internet keyboard. So she could push the button with the globe (world) to go to the World wide wibe. Easy right? and push the little button with the MAIL envelope to go to Mail. Still, my MIL had trouble. Eventually she had a heart attack and then needed 6 weeks of care out side of her home. During that time her son came down from Up North and took away her computer.

Its been 5 years. In that time my MIL's dementia has really set in. She's lost her license, and her car (I clarify that because while MOST people assume that no license MEANS no car my MIL did NOT assume that and either did some of her kids- go figure). So in January my MIL demanded that she be taken to buy a laptop. Why? Because she wants to play solitaire on the lawn in the summer and not drop her cards. OoooooKaaaaay. She copies ads, and does the math, and writes the total with tax in the margins of the sale papers. She staples credit card applications to the sale papers and calculates her weekly payments. She gets snippy when her kids tell her she won't be getting a credit card OR making payments, that she's going to buy it outright and get over it. She balks at this (I'll tell you the bank story some day).

So my husband takes his mother to buy a laptop. But the salesman tells him to wait, in 3 weeks Windows Vista will be out and they want that, yes indeed they do. Chris comes home and tells me about the really great laptop they'll get her next month. I ask him if HE knows how to use Vista? Does he think it *might* be helpful to have her on an operating system he's familiar with? and since she just wants to email and play solitaire MAYBE she just needs a basic model?
But he's a man and they crave the latest-greatest. But MIL was calling every day (some day I will also tell you about her voice box and the issues it creates with phone calls) and telling us about the great laptop deals. Every day Chris would tell her the release date for Vista. Every day she would ask "what's vista?" every day 30 minutes talking about it, making her understand, only to start over that night or the next day.
Finally Chris saw the wisdom in just getting the stupid laptop. Make it Vista-compatible- but why wait for Vista? Phew.
So they bought it. And a printer. And he hooked it all up. Taught her to play solitaire. Wrote down the instructions. Now you KNOW she called 10 times a day "how do I open it?" "how do I turn it on? turn it off? get to games?" Meanwhile she's complaining we haven't hooked her up to the net yet.
She had a hissy fit "you guys think I'm stupid dont you?" (ummm yes.) "you think I can't do this? If you can do it I can do it. I'm not dumb you know. I raised YOU didn't I?" (ohhhh so being passed out on the couch is raising people? thanks for clarifying). Chris said "well you couldn't figure it out before" and MIL swears she never HAD the net before. This is a sign don't you think? But, Chris got sick of hearing it and got her all set up with cable internet (because you need the fastest/best net to email). And he showed her twenty times how to "click on the 'e'" and how to "click on the envelope labeled 'mailbox'" and to "click 'compose'" to type an email. He made her do it. He wrote it out.
The next day my SIL did the same. Day after day after day she was tutored on this. My 8 year old wrote out helpful hints (like "double-click has to be 2 times FAST to work") My MIL still needs a babysitter to get into "that typing space"

No I must regress a moment. Pre-laptop MIL needed an email sent. She wrote out 2 versions: short, and shorter. She gave Chris the address to send it to ( a STREET address) and asked "do they charge by the letter? or the word?"
I'll pause while you let that sink in, or wipe up the coffee you spit on your keyboard.
All 4 of her kids then took turns over the next 2 weeks explaining to her what email is and how it works.

Now, back to MIL-owns-a-laptop times. Chris put the email addresses into her email addy book. She needed them printed. He asked why. She just "needed" them. He explained how USELESS they are printed out. He gave up and printed them.

The next day she needed a ride to the post office. Please tell me you see it coming. Thats right. She had typed an email and printed it out. Put it in an envelope. written the email addy on the envelope. And wanted to go to the post office to put it in the special box or on the right machine so they could mail it instantly.

We have all explained it. But she continues to print out the emails. She's sorry WE are too stupid to print our emails. Since nobody will get them. So her children email her. And then they drive over and show her how to get to her mail and read them. SEE? There it is! Email! UNPRINTED! Untouched by the postoffice! She's amazed. But then her kids go home. And she calls me. "how do I get to the typing place?" and she calls me "my printer won't work again" and she puts emails into envelopes.