The Ugly (more on c/sections and birth choices)

I was pregnant with Nola and Chris and I had very different ideas about what this birth was going to look like. Because he loves me he was angry. When I am stressed I sometimes type. Typing without thought. Just pouring out the raw things. I'm going to share some of those middle-of the ramblings here. I need to preface this though. As awful as I felt I was never, not for a moment suicidal. I swear I wasn't, though I WAS at my own rock-bottom. I put these here because other women feel this way, but don't know how to say it. Or can't admit it and need to know they are not the only one. There are other women who didn't/don't/won't feel like this. I'm happy for them. This post is not for them, its here for those who need it.

here we go

First, everyone is fine.
I am the saddest I have ever been. I am falling apart in ways I didn’t know were possible. And nobody I know can BEGIN to comprehend so I have nowhere to take this pain. I have been crying for days and I’m not a crybaby kind of girl. In order to keep my family I am forced to have another c/s. It got so ugly. I cant express how badly the whole thing hurts. How deeply it cuts. How VERY afraid I am that I’ll die in the surgery and leave my children motherless. I truly feel like I have just signed my life away. I am tempted to put the kids in school now “just in case” I can’t do that emotionally though b/c I feel a deep need to be with them MORE also “just in case”
I want to be gassed for the c/s. I don’t want to “be there” for the operation. I don’t like epis and its not a “birth” Ive done this 4 times and its NOT a birth. Its an operation. They will take the baby away anyway- might as well sleep through it. I will get my tubes tied since I don’t have another c/s in me. I don’t have THIS c/s in me. Had I known I would have gotten them tied LAST c/s. I think I’d rather they take the whole thing. I’m finished with the womb- why keep bleeding?
Chris can name the baby. This one is his.
I am so irrationally sad. I am at the edge of sanity and have never stood right here before. It’s a scary ass place. I am SO raw. I really didn’t know it was possible to feel this lousy. This inside-out.

(and this from another night, a day or 2 later)

I’m so tired. I want to curl up in bed for a year. But I can’t. Because when I start to relax all I can do is cry. I try not to, but its all I can do not to walk around the house sobbing. I nurse my boy and cry fat tears. I cuddle a child and I cry, I ache. I find I can’t picture holding the new baby anymore. The image has gone up in a puff of smoke. How can this BE? How is possible to feel THIS badly about something so small. In the grand scheme of things this is so much nothing. I am, in my dark place, tempted to run away when the time comes, to just do this quietly and alone. I can’t though. I have it in me physically, but I can’t. Even if it resulted in a beautiful birth and perfect baby. Even if I came home with a wonderful infant and a glow of success. Even if Chris forgave me for doing it. Because it would still BE a betrayal. I trust Chris. Trust hasn’t always come easily to me. My first 2 decades were survived ONLY because I didn’t trust anyone. But I do trust Chris. And I will NEVER shatter that.
So there it is. He cannot cope with a home birth. I need him. And so I cry.
I hope I get to the part where I feel numb soon.

I don’t mean for him to sound like the bad guy. He’s not. He loves me and his kids and feels very strongly that the baby and I are in grave danger in a homebirth. I feel the exact opposite. But I say “I’d die for you Chris” and I guess that means I need to really offer that. I am more likely to die in a repeat c/s. But he doesn’t believe the statistics. He believes the lawyers. He is genuinely sorry that I find this painful.

I just feel like puking.