The Early Days of Motherhood... my breastfeeding beginnings

Nursing. I started the whole adventure after a screwed up childhood. I took childcare classes in high school and worked at a childcare. I babysat. I was a nanny. Not to be smug but I did totally ROCK at those jobs. I loved them too. Then I got pregnant (on purpose) and started to read everything I could get my hands on. Which is all the stuff from the OBGYN office. As mainstream career oriented as possible. I *needed* to be a “good mom” and all the books said I “had” to nurse for 3 months. So that was that. I didn’t know ANYONE who breastfed. ANYONE. But damn I was going to do this RIGHT! I even got a $50 pump so I could go back to work at exactly 6 weeks post-partum. Connor had a lousy latch. I was clueless. It was HARD. I had cracked, bleeding, blistered nipples. I CRIED every single feeding. And all he did was feed! He was 3 days old and we met our ped (assigned by the health ins. Co) and in the office Connor pooped and there was blood in it. The Dr said I couldn’t breastfeed because my nipples were bleeding and drinking blood is very dangerous for babies. He took my naked, screaming, new baby down the hall and came back with a bottle propped in his mouth. I could barely walk, I was post c/section. I was overwhelmed. I looked at my new baby (still naked and sad) drooling out formula and wanted to throw up. I was failing ALREADY! The abuse-survivor stats were RIGHT, I was going to SUCK as a mom! I was doomed. Connor was doomed. I should never have had kids. But I asked Chris to PLEASE take me back to the hospital to talk to the lactation consultant. The lactation consultant sat me down and helped me latch him on *right* (it still took 4 months for Connor and I to get it right) and said I did NOT need to wean and gave me a list of Peds who took my insurance.
So nursing was my first real act of motherhood. Then at 5 weeks and 6 days PP I bawled my eyes out and Chris laughed at me and said “I never expected you to go back to work while my son still needed you” and so I became a SAHM. Then we reached 3 months and I was *just* past crying in pain every feeding- I was NOT going to wean the minute it got easier! So I kept nursing. Another real act of motherhood, something from *me* not the *book* Nursing Connor taught me everything about him. I held him all the time. I knew every single thing about him. He was my world.
We had a crib, a really really nice bedding set for it. Monitors. All the gear. Connor wanted *me* and I LIKED it that way. So he stayed in my bed and we were happy. My books didn’t say anything about that either.
I think what I like about the AP things I do is that they FEEL right. When I am “being AP” I feel settled. I feel like *me* I feel good about me. Nursing and cosleeping allowed me to grow into MY version of motherhood, not the “book mom” I originally aspired to be. The mom I really am. I’m not perfect. I don’t mother the way I nanny’d either. I do ok though. And I LOVE motherhood. I love milk smiles. I love warm baby bellies to rub in bed. I love little brains lighting up in my home (I am SO glad to homeschool… SO glad *I* get to see the lights come on as they learn new things). I love soft cute cloth diapers. I love slings and mei tais. I love little people laughing and loving here with me.