'ello (greetings from Britain)

Everyone needs an Ellie. Or an Elly.
My Mother In Law is named Ellie. Or she was. Until a few years ago when she up and changed her name to Elly. For no good reason. But my InLaws are prone to such absurdities.
Speaking of absurdities, lets talk about Elly and her speech absurdities a moment.
I already told you she talks through a 25 year old external voice box. Its gold, and looks like my first walk-man. I WANTED one that played tapes, but got the lousy AM/FM one instead.Its cord is hopelessly tangled and mangled. It has a "straw" yellowed with age and permanently stained with lipstick that she talks into. It doesn't work very well. So she often whacks the straw onto nearby objects. Spittle flies out of the end of it and she tries again. It can take her several minutes to say "hello. I love you dear"
She can be hard to understand, with her mechanical voice. She knows this, so she helps out her listeners by randomly switching from normal speech to SPELLING. So it goes something like this: "hell(buzz buzz whack buzz) hell (buzz) hello dea (buzz buzz whackity buzz) dear I (buzz) L (buzz) O (whack whack whack buzz) O V E you"
Last year her cancer came back, landing in her tongue. So they took half of her tongue. I really DO have a snake-tongued mother in law! Really though she has a wispy tongue now making it even harder to understand her.
I have also hinted at Ellie's favorite beverage. As you might imagine, adding a drunken slur to this might make it even MORE difficult to comprehend.
And just for shits and giggles, when Elly drinks she becomes.... British. We don't know how, or why. She's never left North America. But halfway through a box-o-wine she's all "ello guvner" like that guy in the Kellogs commercial.
Just TRY to talk to her. I dare you. Try to converse with a senile drunk with half a tongue who is using a slurred british accent through a dysfunctional voice box who spells half her words. I don't answer the phone. At least the answering machine can be played over and over while we try to decipher the message (something like "I collected 6 doggie bags from strangers at the bar today and left them baking in the sun on your porch for you")
I'm having a dinner party folks, you're all invited!