more about old dogs (and inlaws)

so the previous post explained the perils of email lessons and demented elders. Now, lets talk about the word "laptop" a minute. It's a compound word. You can break it apart into "lap" and "top". This is no mere coincidence. The thing about a laptop is this: you can put it on TOP of your LAP. Try to remember this amazing fact. Keep in mind also that the REASON my MIL needed a laptop was to play card games on the lawn. So for at least one moment she understood the function and capabilities of a laptop.
It didn't last long.
The day after she got her laptop she made her daughter take her to Office Depot. Where she bought a desk. For her laptop. Since, you know, none of her tables would do. Thats fine, whatever floats her boat right? Yeah well, the story doesn't end there (but I bet you knew that).
My MIL has 4 children. Craig/Greg, the oldest lives up north (and his name is another long story for another day). Anne, the only girl and the martyr of the bunch. My husband Chris, and Andy- the baby.
We got Andy to build the desk (hey, he builds furniture for a LIVING). We had to call him- because he only has a cell phone and MIL is convinced you can only call a cell from a cell and SHE only has a land-line... so she hasn't called Andy in 3 years. Lucky Andy!
Four days after it was built MIL tells Anne she wants to play solitaire in bed. Anne spends an HOUR explaining to her how to unplug the laptop and carry it to the next room. Anne is confident she has made her point.
The next day Chris goes over to check on MIL and MIL needs her desk moved into her bedroom. You are NOT asking "why?" are you? You know why, you just don't believe it. Its true though. She needs the desk moved so she can play games in bed. So Chris spends an hour explaining to her that Laptop is a compound word meaining computer you can put on your LAP. Showing her how to unplug it and carry it away. Asking her did she think he was going to carry the desk outside this summer? How did she expect to play cards on the lawn? Wasn't that why she bought a laptop? She waves this off... she needs to know Can she plug it in, in the bedroom? Chris wants to know Can she plug in a radio? a hairdryer? Yes? then yes, she can plug in the laptop.
Later she will call me. She will say that Anne thinks she can UNPLUG her laptop and Still Use It! She will laugh, poor stupid Anne to believe such nonsense. She will ask me to take her to the store. She needs to buy a cell phone. So she can call Andy. So she can make him move the desk. Because she wants to play solitaire in bed.
Can we stop at the post office too? She needs to send an email.

you can't teach an old dog new tricks

or an old mother-in-law either

several years ago my MIL got a computer. She needed the internet. After much frustration she was hooked up with AOL (which we view as the net with training wheels) and an internet keyboard. So she could push the button with the globe (world) to go to the World wide wibe. Easy right? and push the little button with the MAIL envelope to go to Mail. Still, my MIL had trouble. Eventually she had a heart attack and then needed 6 weeks of care out side of her home. During that time her son came down from Up North and took away her computer.

Its been 5 years. In that time my MIL's dementia has really set in. She's lost her license, and her car (I clarify that because while MOST people assume that no license MEANS no car my MIL did NOT assume that and either did some of her kids- go figure). So in January my MIL demanded that she be taken to buy a laptop. Why? Because she wants to play solitaire on the lawn in the summer and not drop her cards. OoooooKaaaaay. She copies ads, and does the math, and writes the total with tax in the margins of the sale papers. She staples credit card applications to the sale papers and calculates her weekly payments. She gets snippy when her kids tell her she won't be getting a credit card OR making payments, that she's going to buy it outright and get over it. She balks at this (I'll tell you the bank story some day).

So my husband takes his mother to buy a laptop. But the salesman tells him to wait, in 3 weeks Windows Vista will be out and they want that, yes indeed they do. Chris comes home and tells me about the really great laptop they'll get her next month. I ask him if HE knows how to use Vista? Does he think it *might* be helpful to have her on an operating system he's familiar with? and since she just wants to email and play solitaire MAYBE she just needs a basic model?
But he's a man and they crave the latest-greatest. But MIL was calling every day (some day I will also tell you about her voice box and the issues it creates with phone calls) and telling us about the great laptop deals. Every day Chris would tell her the release date for Vista. Every day she would ask "what's vista?" every day 30 minutes talking about it, making her understand, only to start over that night or the next day.
Finally Chris saw the wisdom in just getting the stupid laptop. Make it Vista-compatible- but why wait for Vista? Phew.
So they bought it. And a printer. And he hooked it all up. Taught her to play solitaire. Wrote down the instructions. Now you KNOW she called 10 times a day "how do I open it?" "how do I turn it on? turn it off? get to games?" Meanwhile she's complaining we haven't hooked her up to the net yet.
She had a hissy fit "you guys think I'm stupid dont you?" (ummm yes.) "you think I can't do this? If you can do it I can do it. I'm not dumb you know. I raised YOU didn't I?" (ohhhh so being passed out on the couch is raising people? thanks for clarifying). Chris said "well you couldn't figure it out before" and MIL swears she never HAD the net before. This is a sign don't you think? But, Chris got sick of hearing it and got her all set up with cable internet (because you need the fastest/best net to email). And he showed her twenty times how to "click on the 'e'" and how to "click on the envelope labeled 'mailbox'" and to "click 'compose'" to type an email. He made her do it. He wrote it out.
The next day my SIL did the same. Day after day after day she was tutored on this. My 8 year old wrote out helpful hints (like "double-click has to be 2 times FAST to work") My MIL still needs a babysitter to get into "that typing space"

No I must regress a moment. Pre-laptop MIL needed an email sent. She wrote out 2 versions: short, and shorter. She gave Chris the address to send it to ( a STREET address) and asked "do they charge by the letter? or the word?"
I'll pause while you let that sink in, or wipe up the coffee you spit on your keyboard.
All 4 of her kids then took turns over the next 2 weeks explaining to her what email is and how it works.

Now, back to MIL-owns-a-laptop times. Chris put the email addresses into her email addy book. She needed them printed. He asked why. She just "needed" them. He explained how USELESS they are printed out. He gave up and printed them.

The next day she needed a ride to the post office. Please tell me you see it coming. Thats right. She had typed an email and printed it out. Put it in an envelope. written the email addy on the envelope. And wanted to go to the post office to put it in the special box or on the right machine so they could mail it instantly.

We have all explained it. But she continues to print out the emails. She's sorry WE are too stupid to print our emails. Since nobody will get them. So her children email her. And then they drive over and show her how to get to her mail and read them. SEE? There it is! Email! UNPRINTED! Untouched by the postoffice! She's amazed. But then her kids go home. And she calls me. "how do I get to the typing place?" and she calls me "my printer won't work again" and she puts emails into envelopes.

But why did you do it at HOME?

The last OB, at Loch’s birth said I should never get pg again. But my regular OB begged me to see a perinatologist, and that Dr said it was totally safe to get pg again. He explained that the lower uterine segment completely regenerates so there isn’t an “internal scar”. The other perinatologist also explained that a woman might come in with her first baby, need an emergency c/s and have a “window” (thin uterus). Then she might have 2 babies by VBAC but #4 might need another c/s and they would NOT see a window that time, so if your uterus stretches paper thin once it doesn’t mean it always will.
As for a VBAC I started googling risks and found that even after multiple c/s the risk of a rupture was still REALLY low and the risk of a catastrophic rupture even lower. The risks of a repeat c/s were MUCH higher, both for baby and for me. But a c/s is more controlled so easier to defend in court, so lawyers prefer them. Even the ACOG now states that a VBAMC is not more dangerous than a VBAC (m for multiple) after just one section so they recommend women try for VBAC, but it takes Drs and hospitals an average of 8 years to adopt policies related to new research, so in 6 years it will be easy to find a VBAC Dr but right now its hard.
I entered the pregnancy EXPECTING a c/s (but dreading it). I did the research to prove to myself once and for all that I NEEDED c/s’s and to find some peace with that knowledge. Nobody was more surprised than me to find that the only sane choice was in fact to try for a VBAC. I lost nothing in the trial and a successful VBAC was WAY safer than a planned c/s for me (and *I* needed to survive the birth since 4 children call me “mom”) and also safer for my baby (and I love these babies before I meet them).
So I was pg with #5. And I needed to have a VBAC. Now what? Now I needed to find a Dr. With all the evidence on my side I never imagined this would be quite the struggle it was. I made 3 calls. Nope they don’t do VBAMC’s. I sent an email to a list I’m on asking if they knew anyone who would want to catch my baby? I asked Google for OB’s and midwives. I sent out emails to midwives, doulas, birth support people, OB’s, and to the nurses at the local labor & delivery wards. I sent letters to those I couldn’t access via email. I invited docs to attend the birth of my 5th child. I presented references to articles backing up my choices and stated my requirements in a birth partner and offered them the opportunity to be present at this birth.
First came the rejections. Then came days of deafening silence. And then, the thoughtful responses. Not knee-jerk NO’s. It took at least 5 days for the “lets talk” replies to start trickling in. I got “yay for you! I support your choice! I have extra research that says you are doing the right thing! But… good luck b/c MY malpractice insurance says I can’t go near you” I got “you can do this! You SHOULD do this! Let me know how it goes” I got “I can’t help you but here are some people who can” I got “send me your medical records and we’ll talk” and I got “thanks for the invitation, call me for an appt!” I even got “you must be an inspiration to the women around you, please call or come in”
And the appts and the calls started. I knew money was an issue, and I was hearing that the hospitals wouldn’t give me a chance. So I was looking for a birth center. Chris preferred a hospital, but was ok with a birth center connected to one. We thought we had this arranged but then that provider fell through. My remaining options were a birth center an hour away, another 90 minutes away, or a home birth. My house is closer to a major hospital than the other birth centers were. I am one mile from a hospital with a NICU.
Still, I hadn’t expected to be approved for a VBAMC so I certainly hadn’t expected the possibility of a home birth. Researching again. Is it safe? Really? It turns out that they bring everything to your home that they have in a birth center. I asked all my hard questions about safety and transport and experience. I narrowed down my choices to one midwife and one Dr. In the end I went with the Dr. The sheer number of deliveries was reassuring to me. Her last baby was a c/s, so she knew when they were REALLY needed. She worked in Africa so she had been forced to learn how to deal with many emergencies. Her personality was one that meshed well with my needs. And I thought Chris would feel better having a “real live Dr” at the birth. Plus being a Dr she says she gets a bit more respect and faster response times if she calls a hospital in a transfer situation. Also, she can legally, and does, bring prescription medications to the birth.
And so here we were, from a 5th c/s to a VBAMC at HOME. None of these choices were made lightly. Each step taken carefully. Hours and hours of research on each issue, followed by soul searching. I didn’t take any of it lightly. I felt each decision was a matter of life and death- for TWO people (me and the baby) and I weighed the future of my entire family in each choice. I needed to make the RIGHT choice for ALL of us. Chris wouldn’t do the research, so he never agreed with me. But I was confident in each decision once it was made. I read the scariest side of each choice. I looked at “worst case” and “tried it on for size” and sometimes it was all about picking “the lesser of 2 evils”. I did not enter any of this blindly following a dream.
Did I WANT to experience a vaginal birth? Yes. Deeply. Did I start this pregnancy thinking I would? No, absolutely not. I just wanted to KNOW really really really KNOW what I was doing this time. I explored my birth options and made choices, educated and informed choices. It was vital to me that I do the safest thing. Believe me, I was as surprised as anyone to discover that the SAFE choice would be to birth in my own home. I never ever expected my research to lead me there.
But the facts were there, they had been weighed and measured and my conclusions drawn.

Before the Birth

Several days before my birth a woman on a VBAC email list was upset. She wanted to try for a home birth and her Dear Hubby said "no way" so I shared my journey with her, and now I share it with you.

After my 4th c/s I was thinking we were done having kids. Two perinatologists told me the OB was wrong, and the "window" didn't mean I would rupture next time. So it was safe to get pg again.
I was at a La Leche League conference and there were some tables sset up by midwives. On a whim I asked them about a vbac after 4 c/s and NO prior vaginal deliveries. I was shocked when they said there was no reason not to consider it. So when we were pg w/ our 5th the research began in earnest. I EXPECTED to find that I needed a c/s. I was sad, but knew that would be the only sane choice.
Only I found the opposite. I found mounds of research stating I "needed" to have a VBAC, in the name of safety and sanity. My DH flipped. Only a little at first. Then he found out I was going to see a midwife or a D.O. not an O.B. and thought that was really insane. When he found out that my chosen care provider only does home births he LOST IT. He loves me, he loves his children, he loves this family. How could I risk EVERYTHING he treasures? He believed I was conspiring to commit suicide, murder, or both.
We had some terrible moments. Some soul crushing times. Some "this may be the end of my marriage" minutes. My heart, and his, split open. I TRIED then to agree to "just reschedule" but it cut me to the core. I cried like I have never cried. I fell into a pit of despair the likes of which I hadn't know EXISTED. One night, sobbing, I typed out the raw emotion of it all. It took days to muster the courage to email it to him. To say "I'll do this for you, but ONLY if you help me through the emotional trauma of it". He was sad, angry, scared. He said I needed therapy. He didn't understand. He said I was crazy.
Days, maybe weeks, went by where we didn't speak of it.Finally I asked him to read my research and meet my Dr. In exchange I would see an O.B. and I would read his research. He agreed. He sent me ONE article, and I had already read it. I told him to keep emailing, printing, etc. I said it was important to ME that I read the SCARIEST articles out there. If I wasn't willing to LOOK at the worst-case then it was very irresposible of me to take these risks. He was relieved.
The next day I sent him 2 articles and he didn't read them. I said he needed to look at the RISKS of a repeat section if he wanted me to take those risks. That it was irresponsible for HIM to choose this option if he wasn't willing to look at all of its pros and cons. He stopped sending me things, he didn't read what I sent him. He said he knew I was going to "try" and that he wanted no part of it. At first I was upset.
Then he said a hospital OB birth (c/s) is free. We can't afford a home birth. He wouldn't even pay co-pays on my appts. I was devastated AGAIN! But I started emailing the midwives and the D.O. again. The few who would take on a VBA4C. Now I was asking them to do it for ONLY what the insurance covered plus whatever I could do to "work it off". To my surprise the D.O. said No Problem. She said "its more about the births than the dollars"
My poor DH. He must have been equally devastated to learn I didn'tneed his support, his presence, or even his MONEY LOL!! He says he won't be here. He'll meet me at the hospital when I transfer. He's taking the 2 littlest kids to his sisters house.
My friend is coming to be with the older 2 kids, to meet their needs, explain things etc. I trust her to respect MY needs whatever they may be (in case I decide I CAN'T have them in the room or whatever). Another friend will come be my support person. My doc is very calm and reassuring and will stay for a long labor and for several hours afterward. Its going to be great. I'm 40 weeks now. Soon I'll be holding my first vaginally born baby, nursing him or her in my own room. I can't wait!

She's having a Baby

On Friday I had a baby. I had 2 EDDs… 2/20 and 2/28. My last 2 kids were born at 37 and 36 weeks and both had some early problems and needed support. So I REALLY wanted to make it to Valentines Day. Every day after that seemed like I was “overdue”. On Feb 27th I had ctx. They were regular and they hurt. I called my doc and she came over. She was a midwife for over 20 years and is now a D.O. with a family practice and does a few births still. After 4 hours of labor I had gone from “around 3” to “almost 4” so she went home to nap and I sent my kids to a friends so I could nap. Either I would wake up MORE in labor- or less. I woke up less L I continued to contract through the day, but overnight everything stopped.
Chris was really opposed to a home birth. He said he would take Trew and Loch to his sisters house and then meet us at the hospital when I transported there for my emergency section. I was fine with that plan. I didn’t need his negativity and honestly? He kind of sucks during labor. He has many skills and redeeming qualities, but labor support just isn’t his thing. I had a friend slotted to hang out with Connor and Skye, to meet their needs and keep them busy and answer questions. They were going to come in at crowning, see the birth (if they still wanted to when the time came) and Skye was planning to clamp the cord and Connor to cut it- IF they decided it was still a good idea when they saw it all. I had another friend slotted to come over and be my labor support person. I had a lot of women ready to come to a “pot luck birth”
Best Laid Plans and all.

At 2:25 AM on Friday I was sleeping. Lochlan had had an infusion Thursday and was now snuggled into my bed smelling of baby wash and antiseptic. At 2:26 AM on Friday something happened. The baby rolled over HARD and maybe head-butted my pubic bone? It was an Internal Earthquake. I looked at the clock. 2 minutes later came a big contraction. Afterwards I got up. I wanted to set up the crock pot, and I needed to plug in the heating pad and wrap towels around it. I had things to do before labor really started.
I decided to pee first. On the way there was a slight trickle… hmmm did I wet myself? Or did my membranes leak? In the bathroom another contraction and bloody show. I brushed my teeth, another ctx and hmmm some bright red blood drops. I was afraid of the blood. There wasn’t a lot, but it was red and it had dripped and then a small clot and I was afraid something was wrong. Out to the livingroom, ctx. I MEANT to time things for an hour and then call my doc. But I grabbed the phone and called her. “hi! You wanted to do this in the middle of the night right? The ctx just started but they’re HARD and close together and there’s a lot of bloody show and I don’t know if my water broke?” and she says she’ll come see whats going on. I had a towel under me b/c of the blood. I could only crawl around. Standing up SUCKED. I circled the towel like a cat, squatted over it, contracted and GUSHED fluid. I had grabbed a light colored towel on purpose and was SO relieved that the fluid was clear! I sent out an email. A SHORT one. I just checked my “sent items” folder and this is literally my email “Water broke, clear fluid, ctx HURT” sent at 2:57AM
Later my Dr would say that she looked at her clock when she started her car and that was at 3:13 AM. It was an icy, windy, stormy night. It took her about 45 minutes to drive over. Chris was asleep on the couch and woke up. I asked him to set up my crock pot and towels and things before he left. He said he’d wait until the kids woke up to go anywhere. The ctx were so close and so hard. I was just hanging on. Just waiting for the Dr to come and tell me if the bleeding was ok. Which I quickly forgot about, instead waiting for her to come SAVE ME. I had planned these lovely visualizations, this nice water birth, these great coping techniques. I had candles to light! But instead I just kept looking for a way to get comfortable. Everything was “nope not it” I decided to go to the bathroom again. The ctx in the hallway dropped me to the floor. I made it to the toilet. Hated it there too. I heard Dr Kathy arrive. When that ctx released me I got up. I thought it was rude to make her come visit me in the loo! I got to the hall, dropped to my knees, rode out another ctx, got up, she was there. “My water broke. The fluids clear. Its ok” She wanted me to stand up for ctx, but I just couldn’t do it. She said I wanted the baby’s head to push on my cervix so I would dilate. Nice idea but the ctx just knocked me over. We struggled to the bedroom so she could check me. I was only at 5!! Impossible! But the blood was just my cervix, everything was fine, fetal heart tones were perfect. Great- now get me OFF this bed! She suggested I try a ctx or 2 laying on my side. But no WAY halfway through I rolled off the bed to my hands and knees. I stood for a few ctx, but I could NOT lie down. I was moaning now, and ok ok swearing too. I wanted to go pee. I fought my way to the bathroom. I sat. Dr Kathy squeezed my hands- pressure points, during ctx and only because of that relief did I survive the next few ctx. At some point she asked me to come to bed. I think she wated to check heart tones again? I made it to the bed but it was no small feat. At the end of that ctx I pushed a little bit. But we all ignored it as an impossibility. Next ctx I was PUSHING! I didn’t mean to. Dr Kathy said “oh honey I think you’re pushing” and I said “me too and I can’t stop” she checked and there was just a lip. So I started to PUSH. Eleven minutes later she was on my chest. Pink and warm and slippery and perfect. I had been at 5cm just 20 minutes earlier. It was 4:34 AM. 2 hours and 8 minutes of perfect primal laboring madness and a beautiful baby girl!! She was 8lbs 15.5 oz and had a 14.5” head! She was only 18.5” long…. My butterball baby J
It took us a few days to name her. But Nola Catherine is here, beautiful, perfect, healthy, delightful.